RaNdOm CoLlEcTiOnS

Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Answers:

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road.
Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented
the
application of these two different functions of
government
in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services
to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had
been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed.
The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the

other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet
it was getting a government grant to cross the road,
and
I'll bet someone out there is already forming a
support
group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome.
Can you believe this?
How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars,
and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your
money,
money the government took from you to build roads for
chickens to cross.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay!
Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your
face?
The chicken was going to the "other side.
"That's what "they" call it - the "other side."
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross
roads without having their motives called into
question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed The
road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that
was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting?
In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken
tell,
for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
overcame a serious case of molting and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of "crossing the road"

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite
justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes!
How many more chickens have to cross before you
believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not
only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook--- and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What Do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one

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1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with
really small fonts. 2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR
manual. 3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by
sticking them all over the professor's door. 4. Switch the names of
prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc.
Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. 5. Write a paper
discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van
Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on
the page, ransom-note style. 7. End the paper with "This paper will
self-destruct in 10 seconds." 8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain
that it was to keep your dog from eating it. 9. If assigned a paper in
philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not
sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just
illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper,
write about that. 10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of
what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000
words, right? 11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your
computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
original. 12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
bibliography. 13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the
pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that
you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military
information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that
General Schwarzkopf says you should get an "A." 15. Write your history
paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel
for the period. 16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the
teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and
the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it may be a little late. 17.
When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in
the middle and see if the professor notices. 18. Tell the professor that
you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man
in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon. 19. Paint a large
white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class,
your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks
that paint lines on the road. 20. Make a footprint on the back of one of
the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual.
After all, he did tell you to include footnotes. 21. Bring candles and
incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate
ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and
hand that in. 23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies
that might cause a person to prefer anchovies. 24. Hand your paper in a
sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say
that you wanted several different perspectives on your work. 25. TTyyppee
eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee.. 26. Get a large piece of paper or
canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that
the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't
possibly express what you had to say. 27. Compare and contrast the
characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually
Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia. 28. Carve
your paper on the bathroom wall. 29. Refuse to do the paper on account of
the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the
gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in
writing assignments. 30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you
are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues
at the time. 31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's
only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading. 32.
Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the
way to class. 33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that was all the paper you had. 34. Write about whether
Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes
great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try
to predict both philosophers' reactions to Spuds Mackenzie. 35. Draw
pictures of your professor in the margins. 36. Make your paper one long,
never-ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot
of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks
[(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the
sentence. 37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite
the picture as a resource. 38. On the day the paper is due, skip into
class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!" Run
around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh
and yell, "There's my paper," then run outside to get it. 39. Come to class
leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of
one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to
discuss it. 40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany
caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because
of a shortage of qualified botanists. 41. Refer to all prominent historical
figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call
Ben Franklin "Sparky". 42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways
type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's. 43. Ol, switch alound
arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth
the Thild. 44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the
outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in. 45. Spill a
martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you
could see "sociology in action."

Subject: Conservative vs Liberal vs Texan

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
__________________________________________________________________
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
___________________________________________________________________
Conservative Answer:
BANG!

___________________________________________________________________
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of a clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw him move too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Axis of Evil Wannabes, by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil,"

Libya

China

,
and

Syria

today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which
they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having,
for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil ... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the
best evils ... best at being evil ... we're the best."

Diplomats from

Syria

denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis
can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had

Germany

Italy

, and

Japan

in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret
handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within
minutes,

France

surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what
became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba

Sudan

, and

Serbia

said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil,"
forcing

Somalia

to join with

Uganda

and

Myanmar

in the "Axis of Occasionally
Evil," while

Bulgaria

Indonesia

and

Russia

established the "Axis of Not So
Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up ...

Sierra Leone

El Salvador

, and

Rwanda

applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics."

Canada

Mexico

, and

Australia

formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually
Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About

America

," while

Scotland

New Zealand

and

Spain

established the "Axis of Countries That Should
Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just
something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of
him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the
establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one
of its members of filing a false application. Officials from

Paraguay

Uruguay

,
and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel

, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately,
world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

THE NATURAL LAWS OF GOLF

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up
at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if
you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum
of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind
during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit
one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can
immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and
top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas
about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination
of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for
all of your many other errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a     straight line that passes directly through the center of a very
large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just
the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
90% of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
       triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try
to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of      his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap,      downswing 300 mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the
       top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you
have, and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball,
       but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your
    ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN

Women think they already know everything, But wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remote: For Men Only--------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you a menopausal, hang-up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You will not be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons, you will just mess everything up!
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IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
****************************************************
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
****************************************************
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world in to three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know
that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leave one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
****************************************************
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
*****************************************************
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain . ..Good.
******************************************************
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
*******************************************************
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
*******************************************************
Q: Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not ! ! ! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
*******************************************************
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . . Cocoa beans . . .another vegetable ! ! ! "It's the best feel-good food around."
********************************************************

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie . . . flour is a veggie ! ! ! One more thing . . . "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored
principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no
holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is
because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again

There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast .
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that
were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli
tray.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3
minutes.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.